It’s so common, especially on social media, to see this generation of parents criticizing the last generation of parents (our own parents). There is no such thing as a perfect parent—not in the previous generation, not in our generation, and there won’t be any in the next generation. Why?
Every parent does what they think is best at the time
There is no doubt that some of our parent’s techniques were not ideal. But there is also no doubt that some of our parenting techniques are not ideal—we just don’t know it yet. Our parents were doing what everyone else was doing at the time. And guess what? So are we. It’s easy to think that if we were parents 20 years ago that we would go against the norm and do what we think is “right” today. But considering the majority of parents were using similar techniques, chances are that we would be included in that majority. Our generation is not unique or one of a kind in our parenting, we’re simply following what most people agree is “right” in the current times. In other words, we’re doing what everyone else is doing—just like our parents and all of the generations before them.
Their ceiling is our floor?
I saw this trend recently that didn’t quite make sense to me. The overall idea was that our parents’ ceiling (their best) is our floor and I found this to be completely inaccurate. If this was the case, it would mean that every generation of parents improves—and maybe they do in some ways, but not all. Sure, we may be doing “better” with some things than our parents did, but we’re probably doing worse with other things. If every generation of parents improved, wouldn’t a generation eventually reach perfection? The companions of the Prophet ﷺ had the best parenting role model there was, so how did the Ummah get to where we are today? Surely we didn’t continue to improve after that generation. It’s 2024, we have the Qur’an, the Sunnah, and modern research to supplement our parenting—and we’re still not perfect. Why? Because we’re human. Our parents’ “mess ups” are not worse than ours—and if we find ourselves thinking they are, we need to check our egos.
Different struggles
One very important thing we often forget is that our parents were dealing with such different stressors than we are. Many of our parents were first generation immigrants. Can you imagine the stress of this? I try to often, and I know I do not even come close. My father came to the United States with absolutely nothing. Actually, he didn’t even know he would end up here. After leaving his family in Egypt, he traveled through Turkey, Greece, Cyprus, Malta, and probably a dozen more countries that he never even told me about. He worked for room and board, always moving on to the next thing he thought may prove more promising. He left his own parents who he never saw again because they had passed away before he ever returned to Egypt. May Allah have mercy on them. I can’t imagine.
He did the best he could. He worked probably 20 hours a day all throughout my childhood and I could never blame him for not being home much because he was doing it for me. He wanted to send me to college. He wanted me to have a good career. He wanted me to have a comfortable life. And he succeeded, alhamdulillah. Do I wish some parts of my childhood were different? You bet. But my parents had to strategically place their focus where it was needed the most. I’m sure many of you can relate.
This is not to say our generation doesn’t have struggles—of course we do. I’m just saying that it’s different struggles. In my day to day life, I’m not dealing with the stress of trying to create a life in a new country that I came to with nothing. I’m stressed about other things, yes, but I would never compare it to that.
Rejecting our parent’s advice
Because we think we know so much better than them, we reject their advice even when it’s valuable advice. Just because we may not agree with some of the things our parents did when raising us, this does not give us the right to dismiss every piece of advice or insight they may give. Or even worse—purposely do the opposite of what they say. It is not black and white, all or nothing. We can accept some advice, and reject some advice. But we do not have the right to believe everything they say or do is wrong. Yes, research has now shown that some of their parenting approaches caused some damage. But remember—our parenting approaches have not been thoroughly studied yet. Do you think it the results will show our approach was perfect? Where is our confidence coming from?
We should learn to think objectively and accept our parent’s advice when it’s applicable—that is good parenting, that is maturity. Whether we want to believe it or not, our parents have more experience than we do. And experience is more valuable than reading a book or listening to a podcast. Experience is real world knowledge.
Accepting we don’t know it all
Good parenting is admitting and accepting that we don’t know it all. We learn every single day. And a lot of what we learn is from our own children. As parents, the best thing we can do is have a diversified approach. Use your instincts, use the Qur’an and Sunnah, use research, and use advice. Most importantly—use your critical thinking skills. Do not blindly follow one book you read, one podcast you listened to, or one influencer. Because at the end of the day, these authors, podcasters, and influencers have never met you or your child. They know nothing about you or your child. You know yourself. You know your child. And you know who knows you and your child? Your parents, subhanAllah. We need to stop undervaluing the advice of those who know and love us and our children, and we need to stop overvaluing the advice of those who don’t even know we exist.
May Allah bless our parenting journeys and allow us to always do what is best for our children’s dunya and akhira. May He guide us and humble us and allow us to be accepting of help and advice from our loved ones. And may He forgive us, and our parents, for any mistakes we have made and grant our parents the highest level of Jannah for their struggles in getting us where we are today. Ameen!
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Jazakum Allahu Khayr.